Did ya miss me??

Sporadic blogging during long waits at the airport is such an excellent pass-time. (That’s were most of my blogs are written, fun fact!)

Back in the USA for the holiday season has got me doing some reflecting. Since moving away for university, coming home for the holidays has always been an interesting time. While, this is most definitely a universal experience, especially for those that have moved out of their state, this year feels so different. Throughout my time in university, I always looked forward to my trips home for the Christmas season. It was a time where I got to see my high school friends I had been missing, while also getting to laze around my childhood home with my parents cooking for me again. Great times!!! After my two or so weeks at home, I was rejuvenated for the next semester and went back to my university town refreshed and ready to see my school friends.

Last year, which was also my first year post-grad, coming home was tough. I was so excited for my trip back to the States. I remember counting down the days, pretty much starting after Halloween. I couldn’t wait to get back to the mundane comforts that come with being home. But most of all, I couldn’t wait for my New Year’s trip to my college town to visit my college friends. While this trip made me feel so content, I remember being so conflicted. Why was I not looking forward to returning to my new home, which I loved? Why did I feel so much more myself being in the States, even though I vowed I never belonged and would never return for more than a visit?

The answer is really simple. Last year was everything I’ve ever dreamed of, in terms of living abroad. However, like the first year in any new place, I felt so alone. I didn’t have a core group of friends my age that I regularly hung out with. I wasn’t really doing much outside of school. I was so stuck in my routine that I was pretty much going through life automatically, with very little excitement.

Reflecting on this time makes me so sad for the year I lost, but also really puts things in perspective for me. While you’re in it, recognizing what is causing so many conflicting feelings can be almost impossible. As my first year international teaching, I didn’t know what the alternatives were. International teaching was, and still is my dream, so my mindset really was, “if that’s what it’s like, then I guess that’s what my life is now.” But, of course, cliches are always right, and hindsight really is 20/20. This mindset really displays my stubbornness and intense dislike for change. I was so unhappy, yet so comfortable in my routine, that changing it seemed more difficult. Not to mention, what was I really able to change?? I couldn’t conjure up new friends out of the blue… All that being said, I don’t want to come across as ungrateful, because, as I said, I was, and still am, living my dream. Don’t feel sorry for my stubborn-ass…. 🙂

All that depression stuff aside, reflecting on last year made me so beyond grateful for my life as it is this year. Now that I’m in such a good place in my life abroad, being home was almost making me feel like an imposter. Of course, I was so excited to come back, but for the first time ever, I felt extremely removed from that place being considered my home. I feel like such a different person from the girl that used to live there, it was making me so nostalgic for those times, yet also so grateful for where I am today. For the first time ever, I didn’t feel the most myself in the place where I grew up. Not to say that I didn’t feel like myself, but I didn’t feel unproportionately different from how I act in the place where I live. Living abroad truly splits you in two. I feel like my “home friends” in the States will always have a greater understanding of the overall context of my life, but my new friends abroad, obviously, have a better grasp on my life as it is now. They have the context, as well as the relatability for the uniqueness that life as an expat is, which is hard to explain.

All that being said, this trip home has not only left me feeling refreshed (and solved all of my USA food cravings), but also has left me feeling SO grateful to have so many places (and people) to call home. I love this life!!!

I don’t know if any of this made sense. It really is just incoherent airport rambling, but I have found that blogging really does help make sense of my thoughts. So, you’re SO welcome for your insight into my mind. Now onto my grandparents’ house, aka my happy place, for my last stop in the USA for a whole year!! This will be my longest stint away from my first home, so we’ll see how I cope. Good thing I have so many visitors lined up for 2025!!

I think you’ve heard enough from me today. Enjoy your week in limbo (the week between Christmas and New Year’s, DUH!!)….

ttyl,

B

p.s. One of my goals for 2025 (because resolutions sounds too daunting lollll) is to blog at least once a month. I will also be bullet journaling, so rest assured, I will be adding blogging to my habit tracker. Get excited!!!